Let me start by saying, I don’t really hate Bob. It’s just that... Well…
You see when you’ve been working the yard for as long as I have and you finally get shifted up to the front station, over by the big mushroom,
you don’t really expect someone working the far back station, by the plastic owl, to get moved ahead of you!
Oh I almost forgot… my name is JeromeGnome, I’ve been working as a garden gnome my whole life. Fact is, my entire family has worked the yard for hundreds of years! Most the other gnomes in my garden have been around at least fifteen-twenty years. Bob, on the other hand, was fairly new. He showed up less than two years before he got his break and got gnome-napped by those Travelocity folks.
My best friend is Elmer. He’s half gnome / half fairy. He’s always been sort of shunned by the other gnomes in the yard. It's his frilly little wings that are the problem. The other gnomes can be pretty rude to Elmer. I mean really, I’m all for a good laugh when someone’s not around, but they make fun of Elmer right to his face! Several years ago, Elmer and I got pretty close one night (don’t get no ideas) when we realized we shared our dreams of a life outside the garden. Now, he’s always talking about wanting to fly. For me, I've always dreamed of seeing the world and really can’t wait to get my first big acting break! Don’t get me wrong now, gardening is in my blood - I wouldn’t want to lose my job or anything! But... well... I’m sort of the star performer in the yard! My specialties are techno folk dancing, hoe twirling and lawnmower ballet! That, on top of the all the foreign accents and acting range I have, I just know I'd make it if I can just get my break!
So... that leads me back to Bob… I know, he was in the right place at the right night when he got gnome-napped, but really! I’m the one with the talent!!!!! Have you noticed how over-the-top his f#*@-ing accent is! Truth be told, it's really, probably someone else’s voice they're using. Have you noticed how he never moves his lips!!! And what's with always keeping his hands in his pockets! Really! What that all about? What's he trying to hide! Bob is just a No-talent Schmuck of a Garden Gnome who can’t act his way out of a G^%$###’d, M#!@#, Qu%^## and Cr*$%-ing Bag!!!!
Sorry, sorry. So for that! ... But that should’ve been me! That was my dream! I'm the one with all the undiscovered talent! Damn F#&^ing Frat boys!!!! And oh, oh, oh… I have tried to contact Bob, but he so never returns my calls or even the thousands of S##3(@!?*s emails I've sent him over the years! ... I'm sure by now, he "has people" making sure my call and letters never get to him! I really just wanna talk to him. See how he's doing. And maybe, who knows... maybe he can put in a good word for me! So, please if anyone knows him or sees him out and about, please tell him to call his good ole friend JeromeGnome. No hard feelings... Really! ;-)